Nomination.

What a surreal moment today was. I was horrifically anxious...I felt like every muscle and fiber in my body was shaking noticeably...(which, was probably true.)

I shook the hand of each kind person around the executive table....They barely made me make an effort; they crowded around me as if I were a relative they hadn't seen since Christmas.

I say “kind” loosely because sometimes you just meet someone and you know they have overcome things..their eyes are a mix of warmth, tragedy, beauty and a “special something” that looks different on each person.

Today I looked into 16 of those.

I noted the obvious increase in my pulse... but forgot all about the bobbie pins stabbing me in the neck from my make shift scarf.

at that moment..I was so overwhelmed with this undeniable "in awe" "..I can't believe this" mixed with "ok, it's time..it's finally happening" type of coctail; Until that moment..I usually just preferred beer.

....he motioned for me to sit at the end of the table next to the box of tissues.

... "time for interrogation??" (at least they've heard that before and sympathized how intimidating the set up was.)

pulse...rising...

I couldn't decide if a joke or question would prolong the inevitable; I tried to do both...and it didn't work.

I did receive a few seconds to compose myself (which wasn't enough but I doubt any amount of time would suffice at that moment.)

I've been desiring this for so long.....something I've fought ruthlessly for but not sure who my opponent ever was.

“You have come so far just to be nominated and for that, congratulations...this is a tremendous honor..” (...oh trust me, I know.) and then the time ran out for breathing...and I don't think I did for the rest of the meeting.

“Go Ahead.....Tell us.”

I dove right in.

........I've been waiting for a moment like this..dreaming of it...

“Because I need this...”

I've never had an honor so evident before...

“only from mom but she has to say that!”    

I meant it....with every fiber that shook.

and questions continued..harder..more personal... ones catching me off guard..ones I knew were coming....others I changed quickly....a timeline of each thing I attempt to avoid talking about and yet is the core of who I am and why.

"This is why I write instead of talking!" (I knew exactly why the tissues were pushed towards me immediately.)

"how can you not be.."

“All I knew was love back then....”

“Will you put that in your book?”

Yes, it was memorable.

“I thought it was a nice edge.”

That's not why it's there...

But this is..and..I needed this..I can't describe this feeling..it brought up so much..but yet..defined my entire existence while also allowing me to finally be granted my calling..(a glimpse at least..but one I immediately became in love with.)

I am at a moment..where recognition is unnecessary.. but the nonexistent hands lifting me up to continue going the rate that I am...is unbelievably meaningful...the strangers that cried and laughed with me today..the unspoken beauty in the 16 eyes that stared as I choked up and spoke from the heart that hardly anyone else even knows about me..is surreal...

“...Because it needs to be heard...”

Those beautiful 16 eyes.

Quarter Life Crisis.

I'm not sure what sparked this volatile scare within me that I'm missing out on life but it is increasingly prevalent and causing severe vexation. Don't get me wrong; I am unquestionably grateful for my robotic abilities to overwork myself and fulfill my overly productive lifestyle. Particularly with only irritability and mood swings being the side affects signaling that I do take too much on. (my friends may differ in that opinion.) However, I am intensely weary and tired of it. I am technically not even due for a quarter life crisis for another year, but feel like I emulate the patient I have who is 65 years older than me. Sadly, even she has more of a social life and balance than I do. My friends are justifiably facetious deeming me the “old lady.” Usually, I agree but I need to stop this rapid psychological growth spurt before my physical body is in irrevocable compliance. I realize the natural process of aging but does it really happen this early? ..No, there has to be a fallacy in that thought process, right? Especially since the person who temporarily traumatized me and caused me to be an irascible person merely morphed into someone else...by my own accord, I'm sure.  Oh, but now he is blissfully out of my life. (Side note:  a lawyer bill is a horrible gift...marrying an emotional vacuum cleaner due to their insecure selfish parasitic nature? Now, THAT is the WORST GIFT EVER!...oooh to be set free.)

Don't worry, this is not another acrimonious entry about that. Back to me being old:

Here are the doleful facts that never fail to terminate my venting session: Finding a Solution for this Lamentable Lifestyle.

1. I have bills, thus, can't cut back on work.
2. I need my degree.. so, can't cut back on school.
3. The thought of slacking and risk losing my pretty 4.0 is a deplorable thought.
4. Fml.

Well, hm... There is nothing to do in order to cut back, alter, or level out my life without negative implications for my future I am so adamant about having as soon as possible. Nothing that I can contrive anyway. The rare time I am allotted to think about anything other than school and work occurs when I am sleeping. I highly encourage (IE: beg.) for ideas and suggestions. I've already taken a huge positive step by deciding never to marry anything that resembles psychotic …. Catty...sorry, but it is an undeniable stress reliever .

I need more ideas since I am technically not as old as my loving friends so often remind me that I am. I no longer want to miss out on the ephemeral joys and mishaps twenty somethings experience. I could do without the latter but even with my gracious leniency; “fun” is a fastidious luxury. I miss spontaneity so much, I crave unscheduled, un-timed moments with friends and family. Lugubriously, as it turns out, planning 30-60 minutes of spontaneous fun a month has adverse affects. I miss mere enjoyment without the guilt of unfinished homework assignments chillen' in my mind. I suppose, maybe, that one suggestion my college made about not taking anymore then 2 classes if a student works full time probably should have been considered.

Anna The Overachiever: 1. Anna the once laid back girl without 3 day planners: 0.

I definitely do not want to be like many people my age living without goals and utterly irresponsible. I just don't want to be in a rocking chair knitting blankets for other people's grandkids because I forgot to have children being so busy with everything going on in my life. I don't want to reflect on my youth and realize I spent it over doing it with frivolous productivity. Maybe prolonging graduating by taking 3 classes instead of 5 would be worth it. If it allows for more memories and laughter? It has to be. 

Degrees and paychecks are valuable, sure. 

Friendships, family and relationships? Nothing will ever measure up to that.