Seek Answers.

Alright, as usual; allow me to first say that I realize we, as humans, are completely flawed (although varying in degree and category, of course.) Since I, too, am a human, I completely throw myself under the bus here along with each and every one of you. It's basically the equivalent of us hugging right now...just fyi.

I have always been fascinated with the human mind; how it operates and every chain reaction that follows the “why” to that answer and any domino affect that would formulate and so forth. How one reacts to an emotionally charged moment, positive or negative, can be vastly different to how someone else handles it.. I find to be both remarkable and horrifying. Perhaps that is one element as to why I find myself “set apart” from society and the average it deems necessary for certain people that flock to it. In fact: That notion is completely foreign to me; particularly more so in my adult life. Granted, that is just a speculation of mine but entirely feasible nonetheless. This is why I have a few main topics in this entry; I've derived much of my favorite opinions on human nature for this reason....I seek to find out what is not wired within me. I seek answers.

Here is something that never fails to leave me baffled and disgusted if I elicit the power to do so.

I'll simplify it, too. Not to be insulting at all but to possibly allow you to see the way my left brain dominates and why I feel this is such a clear opportunity that too many people run from.
Fact: We all live in “this” world.

It's in quotes because I think I just like using quotes too much;  not that I'm sitting in a dim lit room with incense and a lava lamp; feeling some form of synchronicity happening...nor do I dare put other countries in the same opinion I have towards America... ...I just mean that: We breath the same air, see the same sun and moon and walk the same earth, right? Okay. So..

We, as humans, all have the same opportunity in regards to bettering ourselves..even if it isn't pleasant at first. Even if it's scary. We do. We have that. We HAVE that!! I wish I could shake people sometimes and scream it, lovingly,  in their face to be honest but, as a psychology major, I'm not sure I should be admitting that fact...but just hear me out, please.

Since we are flawed human beings (and that fact I really do find beautiful because it puts us all at such a raw and humble place. ) However, WHY AREN'T WE DESIRING to MAXIMIZE our inner selves!? Why are we not only asking: “How much better could I be as a person?” or “What else do I need to do in this world?” But Why aren't we...
actually..

Doing it. Seeking to find those answers. Uncovering mysteries and beautiful (sometimes tragic) truth? Why? I know it's scary but.... if the outcome only glimmers failure but truly promises a deep and meaningful depth we no longer would have unraveled?

Why? It doesn't make sense to me.

You know how when we were kids we all had some object; whether it was a blanket, a pacifier or stuffed animal that was coined as our “security blanket” ? That one thing our parents eventually had to buy instructional books of mastery about in order to simply wash it without our worlds ending (or..until we heard the buzzer sound of the dryer letting us know we were going to survive.) Regardless of what it was or how attached we actually we were to it; at some point we held onto that object as if our lives depended on it and without it near..instant panic and fear permeated our little body.

Same page? K. Good..

I welcome anyone to answer this mysterious perplexity of mine:

Why is it that the vast majority of adults are frantically chasing after the same dirty and decrepit security blanket only manifested into a different form? It even seems like they hold onto the fallacious conjecture that their lives actually do depend on it? The despondency in that statement is that the lack of drive and motivation to have more than mediocrity in life because it somehow appears comfortable...is tragic. Why are so many complacent with their life? In no way am I attempting to conjure up negativity. Quite the opposite.

As I said, this is my opinion...however, it's a daunting one for me because I am constantly finding myself perplexed and dumbfounded at people. It saddens me that people settle for something that is a definite one..when they aren't willing to get out of their comfort zone and at least try for something huge.

I have always been told to “dream big” and well, 24 years later it is finally forming...but I never stopped trying or fighting for what I had faith in to be a possible outcome. At times it didn't seem plausible...but I never stopped. You shouldn't either.

I encourage everyone to at least try to step out of their comfort zone and try a hidden desire of theirs (as long as it is legal of course.) and actually risk “failing” because that means you are also risking the chance to succeed and uncover an amazing depth within your soul. Uncover a deeper, more meaningful definition of happiness.

So, please....

Seek those answers.

The Prominence of Negativity. To End This Habit.

Wow. I get it now.

[Meaning: I now have answers to a lot of my unspoken questions; even some to the verbal journey of confusion I traveled. I “get” what I will be needing to do to obtain “it”]

I am choosing to withhold the frivolous ( aka “ridiculous”) truth of how long it took me to get to this point. I am utilizing my rights as a citizen in America...or..something. Whatever. I'm not tellin'.

1. THAT is why I felt so defeated?? A. That is why it continued to happen. [even that didn't seem to be a negative sentence...it was just my routine.]
   
   That “vicious cycle” that all should pity and fear to find? Yeah thats pretty much solely self induced. If you allow it, I mean. It is a choice—one each individual is faced with and all behind a different mask of illusion. You take it because YOU decide to. It is no ones faults entirely nor are the derogatory sequence of events life gives at times in a competition of morale. Things happen in life...good...bad..everything in between. However, if it appears that the bad is increasing rapidly, or if it has already became prominant ...You might wanna re-evaluate your lifestyle. If you fail to discover anything...
   
   re-evaluate your attitude.
   
   The two negative mind sets that I imitated and even believed to own at one point will literally drain you; not even leaving exhaustion left over. Trust me, it happens. It's ruthless and in total error. I was the queen of this. Might have even invented it.
   
   If it were to manifest into a physical example: Think Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in Fight Club...without the bad ass movie aspect part. Not pleasant.
   
   Seldom (if ever) have I felt such a clear “light bulb” go off for me. And actually listened. It's fascinating how humans evoke defense mechanisms to cover certain areas of their lives in hopes of being unable to recognize it...only to discover those mechanisms just took us on the longest, most difficult wrong way on the road to our destiny.
   
   I chose not to say our “life” because you can be as negative and repugnantly close minded as you want and still live your life of breathing.
   
   Your destiny is that mysterious and beautifully feasible secret we get glimpses of when we are making the right decisions or being positive and healthy in our mind and in our actions.
   
   It is a never ending process of self discovery and growth but if done driven by destiny.. it's worth it.
   
   Side Note: (Isn't it interesting how a person or persons can repeatedly tell you something...and you “listen” but it doesn't sink in at all; then a stranger or someone you hardly know makes a remark not half as eloquent and loving and---just like that—it completely makes sense and stops you dead in your tracks?)
   
   That is definitely not what happened here with me ..not in a focal sense, anyway.
   I'm too stubborn for that paragraph to hold any truth next to my name..and that truth? I'm sick of.

Allow me to honestly introduce myself:

I am completely dominated by my left brain and lack what others term “common sense” due to my incessant need to thoroughly (“over”) analyze to reach a few conclusions per sub category that is my life; then dissect those, eliminate one (because only 2-3 are allowed to make it to the final round...but everyone knows that.), and THEN I will “go with my gut” instinct. Yup, just a normal laid back, easy going chick' who prefers facts, proof, charts, a statistic here and there....and a rock solid game plan. Or 3. My immense need for security and willingness to compensate for the lack thereof allowed this impenetrable denial inside of me that ANY action I took or thought or whatever...could be wrong. Nope. Not the straight A wordy chick with magenta hair.

How insidious and repulsive.

And now I feel the urgency to stop revealing such cool facts about myself. Lets move on.

Because thats a beautiful thing about life, you get to move on. You get to start over. Learn and change...

“There is literally nothing left for me to do that hasn't been done.”

Except...

this one.

But to let go is so difficult for me to do. Up until now I would have rather gone to the dentist or go head to head with a fire breathing dragon then trust anyone to do something reassured it would happen.

Perhaps getting that painful and expensive (yet amazing and beautiful!) 13” reminder on my rib cage wasn't all in vain.

I need a huge reminder like that. Habits and patterns are hard to break.