Life's clock is never in sync with mine.

         If you were to ask what just happened to me tonight.....years ago... I would tell you it was a gift, a blessing, a miracle even....the final end to my longing journey of wondering.

….and now? I don't know how to explain it...it wasn't anything, really. I am grateful that this person now has clarity in their life... but to hear it years later? I feel nothing...

At least, nothing that I would have felt in the past. I would have raced to “square one” as if it were an olympic race that defined my fate in life...

I am grateful because I am a humane person that this person is slowly becoming free from a darkness that entangled their very soul...

Because no one deserves to live in turmoil... no one should grip onto their demons so hard that they cannot even identify which one is which...

For that: I am grateful. It is an answer to prayer I used to pray quite often.

         I am choosing not to be angry that I was the person that they hurt enough to lead them to the road of redemption... because we all have those.... I was just that for this person.. “it is what it is” and to think any further would be pointless because so many amazing doors have opened because of this path... that I couldn't escape from... and now? I would not change a single thing because of my present state of life.

….and that? Is beautiful in itself. I have new friends that I cherish, a beautiful future that is hard as hell to gain but worth every second of it..... roads opening that I never imagined worthy enough to step into...dreams unveiling themselves as reality...and a strength inside of me that I doubt would have manifested had I not had to wait.

Life and its timing is a crazy thing.

I apologize that this is not eloquently designed or laid out... I'm tired, it's finals week..and I admit....I am a little dumb founded about tonight.

Is It the Destination That Counts? Or the Steps Throughout the Journey?

I've been contemplating this for some time now....recent events have occurred in my life that left that answer obvious..

….black and white facts have become a preference of mine..and when applied to life I embrace it because I know it is a seldom occurrence these days...

So the copious amounts of other events ..the ones that are not so clear and simple. Those.... leave the explanation as more of a mockery riposte; leaving me with a state of momentary calamity that always leaves...yet never fails to return... somehow setting a secret “replay” button not even my freak of nature cleaning sprees uncover.

I'm perplexed because I have yet to find an answer that exhibits any promise of error and the universal quest for answers be put to a vast halt. I would love to diminish the need for this never ending journey; just have yet to find anything that justifies reason to do so. For that reason; I choose to write about the latter and my state of affliction towards it.

The mere word “journey” written in there was actually unintentional at first...even though it is the title of this writing....I suppose.... maybe....that might be part of a conclusion: The journey we go through searching and experiencing things in life; particularly the unpleasant and painful experiences, are the reasons we question why it even had to happen in the first place.

But what if that road led to a much more amiable path in our lives? One we may not have otherwise appreciated? The only request being to wait with patience...for promise of a more pleasant state of living....? (in whatever form it may arrive in..)

Patience is a bitch...I know..but why are we so ignorant to believe we know the exact timeline our lives should follow?

Despite the fact that (hopefully) we learned something through each and every journey and gained a stronger sense of who we are through it...

ooohhh but wait...remember?? it wasn't fun..it sucked..so...therefore …

(I love Americans...) It was wrong...right? The world is perfect, America is amazing..and no-one is ever supposed to go through crappy times. Nope, not us.

..Okay...sorry...I'm a bit cranky....

But I DO feel that too many of us carry that mentality. That “poor me” mentality...which is when we shut ourselves off from seeing the beauty, or more pleasant events to come...even miniscule things we may miss because we are so damn focused on every negative thing that happened. By doing that; we miss the subtle yet awe-inspiring events that occur everyday....So...

Which means the most to you?

I began writing this, to no-ones surprise, more referring to romance and love. Now, however, I have found myself asking this question in so many more areas. For awhile, I tried to portray animosity for love; tried to portray a facade of not caring or believing in it...which isn't true; simply a momentary defense mechanism of sorts that I no longer need. It's clear that was a journey within myself...and I know for a fact I have not yet reached a destination...in the eternal sense but reached the destination of relinquishing the defense mechanism...perhaps because I, unfortunately, see the world for much more of what it is...but partly because the direction my heart was fortunate enough to gravitate towards...I've fallen in love with. . . . .But am I really seeing it end so soon? In my opinion; It barely started...yet, the constant trend this time is that I don't regret it..in fact ….I cherish every single moment of it...

I just don't want it to stop...at all...but is that even in my power to control?

So...I guess...

The opposite end of that spectrum...the before, during, and after phase and experience...the overwhelming memories of beauty and intensity ......I now know unequivocally that I wouldn't trade them for the world. (Destination, maybe?)

I know I am being far too philosophical...but I still am unclear which was more pertinent and vital. I am closer to finding the answer for myself but perplexed at the world...at why so much negativity is held onto....Why so many people are so unhappy...or they try to give the personification of having a void...but why??? When they.....when WE have more than most. Hard times are prominent..but what else do you have? Whats more important to you? Marvel in the beauty? Or harbor on the negativity? 

What is it worth to you?

If the answer is harbor onto the bitch driver who cut you off on the highway and ruined your day...I want nothing to do with you..I'm sorry but I have wasted too much of my life letting frivolity get in the way of the blessings I took for granted. No more. It's not worth it.

....Had I not been through what I had..I cannot honestly say that I would have appreciated anything as much as I do now. I can't honestly answer because I just don't know. What I do know...is that it did something weird and permanent to my heart...but not the typical scarring that hurts.....this stings but in a different way...this...I take pride in.

Regardless of what it is or the subjective personal meaning; I'm mainly just searching for anything that solidifies any prominence. Label it what you want. I need substance and I feel it is far too scant and foreign in this world. I found a couple of people I feel share that with me....Maybe less ...and I'm very much okay with that...because I refuse to exhaust myself trying to “encourage” people gripping onto negativity. Let go of it. Or don't. I've found something precious. I fought hard for it... I pray that within this journey I am able to keep it. However, I trust that regardless, I will be okay. My journey is something I treasure; regardless of the outcome...

Even when patience is a bitch....

The Gift of Family

Typically, I carry the personal preference to wait a certain period of time before I write about it. I tend to withhold a lugubrious aspect of the situation and feel that may overpower the words I actually feel and desire to get across. . . .It's second nature to get caught up in emotion; which is not what I want to happen right now .... and with this in particular, this subject and these feelings intertwined in the subject ...it's overwhelming. It's deeply painful and yet; I wouldn't change a thing. Not for a second.

Please realize that it's only painful because the dynamics have changed. The center of my life...the prominent aspect of it for sixteen months is something I can't even begin to describe. The depth of what that means is unbearable to explain; perhaps even impossible. Mainly because I am still uncovering the meaning myself...but also because nothing could have prepared me for the impact that would quickly arrive...and the overwhelming love and emotion that I feel...that I will always feel.

.. I pray it never leaves me.

This graciously allowed me to be irrevocably changed.. These people are my family....but it's an entirely new dimension of “family” because they chose to be this way. We chose on a daily basis to be this close to one another; supporting each other and being dedicated through it all. It never quite made sense to me why these wonderful people went above and beyond for me...but I stopped questioning it a long time ago. I embraced the gift of unconditional kindness and allowed myself to experience it. At times I tried to mask the overwhelming shock I had through each time they displayed it...which ended up being countless; so I gave in....and...I couldn't be more grateful for it.

I am richly blessed to have a drastically deeper appreciation on life; to know an entirely new level of devotion and love like I do now is priceless. Over a year ago I made a promise to stay until the very end...without realizing it would approach rapidly. It is a bittersweet emotion that I will never look back on with regret.

This experience is crystal clear evidence of being one of my most prized possessions that consistently reveals itself. The blessings, the love, devotion, support and patience that I gained..is a gift I am profoundly undeserving of and yet..find myself drenched in by these amazing people. I am horrifically sad that my time experiencing this regularly got cut so short, though..but..that is both inevitable and undeniable.

Sixteen months just isn't enough time.

However, as life often reminds us, some things are simply out of our control. I have never been faced with incidences as powerful as I am now. Not this prominent..Not this close.. Not this..visual. For once, no adjective is necessary to describe this because.. it is vastly different. On one side; I feel utter melancholy to the most proper delineation. On the other; so full of pure happiness and joy to have the gift of experiencing this.

Something inside of me drastically transformed. I finally know the real meaning of love. When all you feel and surround yourself with is love and devotion...you can't help but be affected by it.

It shakes you to your core.

I suppose I should start from the beginning...in hopes of allowing you a piece of the gift that was given to me months ago.

I simply had no idea. ..

A friend knew about a lead from a friend. That was it and I went for it...

That friend and I scheduled to meet on a Saturday; he welcomed me immediately with genuine authenticity. A rare and contagious warmth radiated that enabled a feeling of being “home” in a place I had never been before.

My transformation was already beginning, I just hadn't realized it yet.

And true; I had dabbled in the line of work and knew enough to qualify; plus I was eager to utilize my medical skills....but it was how the interview was conducted that sold me......I was hired immediately. I wanted nothing more.

[...little...did..I...know...]

My life will never be the same...him hiring me was the biggest blessing in my life; in areas people only dream about...in ways...people only read about experiencing....I found myself profoundly undeserving, enveloped inside of, drenched with and wholly apart of.

Even though some days were strenuous; often times they were happy and light hearted.. Only about a handful of those days seemed impossibly frustrating and tested us all. The prominent consistency being each day started and ended with a hug and an “I love you.” Not one day went by without that; so regardless of what category the day was, it didn't matter to me. It was just life unfolding itself and we all experienced it together. Thats how I saw it...I didn't view it as a “job” that I was obligated with...it was life and we were living it.

This woman was my side kick. She was my adopted grandma, my protector, confidant, sister and friend. She laughed with me...goofed off with me, cried with me..got angry with me (and at me at times.) If she saw me sick or in pain she instantly tried to perform a sneak attack role reversal and take care of me in such a motherly and endearing manner.

There was something about knowing we still loved each other during the bad times...something so comforting knowing such devotion like that existed. Never had I had such a profound sense of acceptance before. It changed the way I see the world...I'm immensely humbled and in awe by all of this...

Her family rallied for me when I needed it the most...when my life obstacles nearly destroyed me; they were there for me. No questions asked. I always looked for ways to reciprocate to show my gratitude; which was difficult because they never asked for anything. That was never why they were there for me...

and Why? 


Because...It's just what families do.






R.I.P. My amazing "Mimi"...Thank you for sharing your family with me. You will forever remain deeply imbedded in my heart

Seek Answers.

Alright, as usual; allow me to first say that I realize we, as humans, are completely flawed (although varying in degree and category, of course.) Since I, too, am a human, I completely throw myself under the bus here along with each and every one of you. It's basically the equivalent of us hugging right now...just fyi.

I have always been fascinated with the human mind; how it operates and every chain reaction that follows the “why” to that answer and any domino affect that would formulate and so forth. How one reacts to an emotionally charged moment, positive or negative, can be vastly different to how someone else handles it.. I find to be both remarkable and horrifying. Perhaps that is one element as to why I find myself “set apart” from society and the average it deems necessary for certain people that flock to it. In fact: That notion is completely foreign to me; particularly more so in my adult life. Granted, that is just a speculation of mine but entirely feasible nonetheless. This is why I have a few main topics in this entry; I've derived much of my favorite opinions on human nature for this reason....I seek to find out what is not wired within me. I seek answers.

Here is something that never fails to leave me baffled and disgusted if I elicit the power to do so.

I'll simplify it, too. Not to be insulting at all but to possibly allow you to see the way my left brain dominates and why I feel this is such a clear opportunity that too many people run from.
Fact: We all live in “this” world.

It's in quotes because I think I just like using quotes too much;  not that I'm sitting in a dim lit room with incense and a lava lamp; feeling some form of synchronicity happening...nor do I dare put other countries in the same opinion I have towards America... ...I just mean that: We breath the same air, see the same sun and moon and walk the same earth, right? Okay. So..

We, as humans, all have the same opportunity in regards to bettering ourselves..even if it isn't pleasant at first. Even if it's scary. We do. We have that. We HAVE that!! I wish I could shake people sometimes and scream it, lovingly,  in their face to be honest but, as a psychology major, I'm not sure I should be admitting that fact...but just hear me out, please.

Since we are flawed human beings (and that fact I really do find beautiful because it puts us all at such a raw and humble place. ) However, WHY AREN'T WE DESIRING to MAXIMIZE our inner selves!? Why are we not only asking: “How much better could I be as a person?” or “What else do I need to do in this world?” But Why aren't we...
actually..

Doing it. Seeking to find those answers. Uncovering mysteries and beautiful (sometimes tragic) truth? Why? I know it's scary but.... if the outcome only glimmers failure but truly promises a deep and meaningful depth we no longer would have unraveled?

Why? It doesn't make sense to me.

You know how when we were kids we all had some object; whether it was a blanket, a pacifier or stuffed animal that was coined as our “security blanket” ? That one thing our parents eventually had to buy instructional books of mastery about in order to simply wash it without our worlds ending (or..until we heard the buzzer sound of the dryer letting us know we were going to survive.) Regardless of what it was or how attached we actually we were to it; at some point we held onto that object as if our lives depended on it and without it near..instant panic and fear permeated our little body.

Same page? K. Good..

I welcome anyone to answer this mysterious perplexity of mine:

Why is it that the vast majority of adults are frantically chasing after the same dirty and decrepit security blanket only manifested into a different form? It even seems like they hold onto the fallacious conjecture that their lives actually do depend on it? The despondency in that statement is that the lack of drive and motivation to have more than mediocrity in life because it somehow appears comfortable...is tragic. Why are so many complacent with their life? In no way am I attempting to conjure up negativity. Quite the opposite.

As I said, this is my opinion...however, it's a daunting one for me because I am constantly finding myself perplexed and dumbfounded at people. It saddens me that people settle for something that is a definite one..when they aren't willing to get out of their comfort zone and at least try for something huge.

I have always been told to “dream big” and well, 24 years later it is finally forming...but I never stopped trying or fighting for what I had faith in to be a possible outcome. At times it didn't seem plausible...but I never stopped. You shouldn't either.

I encourage everyone to at least try to step out of their comfort zone and try a hidden desire of theirs (as long as it is legal of course.) and actually risk “failing” because that means you are also risking the chance to succeed and uncover an amazing depth within your soul. Uncover a deeper, more meaningful definition of happiness.

So, please....

Seek those answers.

The Prominence of Negativity. To End This Habit.

Wow. I get it now.

[Meaning: I now have answers to a lot of my unspoken questions; even some to the verbal journey of confusion I traveled. I “get” what I will be needing to do to obtain “it”]

I am choosing to withhold the frivolous ( aka “ridiculous”) truth of how long it took me to get to this point. I am utilizing my rights as a citizen in America...or..something. Whatever. I'm not tellin'.

1. THAT is why I felt so defeated?? A. That is why it continued to happen. [even that didn't seem to be a negative sentence...it was just my routine.]
   
   That “vicious cycle” that all should pity and fear to find? Yeah thats pretty much solely self induced. If you allow it, I mean. It is a choice—one each individual is faced with and all behind a different mask of illusion. You take it because YOU decide to. It is no ones faults entirely nor are the derogatory sequence of events life gives at times in a competition of morale. Things happen in life...good...bad..everything in between. However, if it appears that the bad is increasing rapidly, or if it has already became prominant ...You might wanna re-evaluate your lifestyle. If you fail to discover anything...
   
   re-evaluate your attitude.
   
   The two negative mind sets that I imitated and even believed to own at one point will literally drain you; not even leaving exhaustion left over. Trust me, it happens. It's ruthless and in total error. I was the queen of this. Might have even invented it.
   
   If it were to manifest into a physical example: Think Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in Fight Club...without the bad ass movie aspect part. Not pleasant.
   
   Seldom (if ever) have I felt such a clear “light bulb” go off for me. And actually listened. It's fascinating how humans evoke defense mechanisms to cover certain areas of their lives in hopes of being unable to recognize it...only to discover those mechanisms just took us on the longest, most difficult wrong way on the road to our destiny.
   
   I chose not to say our “life” because you can be as negative and repugnantly close minded as you want and still live your life of breathing.
   
   Your destiny is that mysterious and beautifully feasible secret we get glimpses of when we are making the right decisions or being positive and healthy in our mind and in our actions.
   
   It is a never ending process of self discovery and growth but if done driven by destiny.. it's worth it.
   
   Side Note: (Isn't it interesting how a person or persons can repeatedly tell you something...and you “listen” but it doesn't sink in at all; then a stranger or someone you hardly know makes a remark not half as eloquent and loving and---just like that—it completely makes sense and stops you dead in your tracks?)
   
   That is definitely not what happened here with me ..not in a focal sense, anyway.
   I'm too stubborn for that paragraph to hold any truth next to my name..and that truth? I'm sick of.

Allow me to honestly introduce myself:

I am completely dominated by my left brain and lack what others term “common sense” due to my incessant need to thoroughly (“over”) analyze to reach a few conclusions per sub category that is my life; then dissect those, eliminate one (because only 2-3 are allowed to make it to the final round...but everyone knows that.), and THEN I will “go with my gut” instinct. Yup, just a normal laid back, easy going chick' who prefers facts, proof, charts, a statistic here and there....and a rock solid game plan. Or 3. My immense need for security and willingness to compensate for the lack thereof allowed this impenetrable denial inside of me that ANY action I took or thought or whatever...could be wrong. Nope. Not the straight A wordy chick with magenta hair.

How insidious and repulsive.

And now I feel the urgency to stop revealing such cool facts about myself. Lets move on.

Because thats a beautiful thing about life, you get to move on. You get to start over. Learn and change...

“There is literally nothing left for me to do that hasn't been done.”

Except...

this one.

But to let go is so difficult for me to do. Up until now I would have rather gone to the dentist or go head to head with a fire breathing dragon then trust anyone to do something reassured it would happen.

Perhaps getting that painful and expensive (yet amazing and beautiful!) 13” reminder on my rib cage wasn't all in vain.

I need a huge reminder like that. Habits and patterns are hard to break.

......

It is deplorable how invidious humans are capable of being. I am not sure why the word “trust” and “honest” haven't been omitted from the English dictionary yet. I realize we have free will and with that; able to do as we wish. Regardless, it's astonishing...mind blowing..and horrendous what certain people decide to do with this liberty.

You proclaim (borderline throw a fit) about how enormously drenched in trust you have instilled within yourself. Well, look at you boast now: What you are drenched with is lies and deceit and I dare you to prove me wrong. (I suppose I should mention that I am merely referring to “you” because I feel like it..and not to actually direct this to one single individual.)

THIS IS A FACT:

1. Being audible does not make you a veracious person.
   
   Props for the limited vocabulary that you are able to enunciate, though.
   
   I realize this is highly malevolent. I fully acknowledge the increasing bitterness and I am disgusted and at fault at this verifiable truth. Also, I am minimally attempting not to mention that I firmly believe certain people I have known in my life are so much more freakin' worse. (see? Minimal...oops.)

A-lot has happened recently. Incredibly prodigious events and also pejorative and repugnant events. I am demanding a middle ground!! I just am unaware at who would even be responsible for such alteration. So I will do my part.

This is my proclamation. Listen or don't. It doesn't matter.

No longer am I associated with such frivolity nor do I hold myself responsible for reasons regarding why I choose what I do.

I am incredibly happy in this current state of my life. I finally gave up fighting to have something that was never suppose to be in my life to begin with. This incredible and profound love that I have is so much more beautiful to let certain toxicity poison it anymore... I do NOT care what judgment and petty words you are obligated to speak behind my back. It doesn't affect me in the least.

I am happy.That is all you should care about (that is, if you are the rare definition of a “true” friend)

Nomination.

What a surreal moment today was. I was horrifically anxious...I felt like every muscle and fiber in my body was shaking noticeably...(which, was probably true.)

I shook the hand of each kind person around the executive table....They barely made me make an effort; they crowded around me as if I were a relative they hadn't seen since Christmas.

I say “kind” loosely because sometimes you just meet someone and you know they have overcome things..their eyes are a mix of warmth, tragedy, beauty and a “special something” that looks different on each person.

Today I looked into 16 of those.

I noted the obvious increase in my pulse... but forgot all about the bobbie pins stabbing me in the neck from my make shift scarf.

at that moment..I was so overwhelmed with this undeniable "in awe" "..I can't believe this" mixed with "ok, it's time..it's finally happening" type of coctail; Until that moment..I usually just preferred beer.

....he motioned for me to sit at the end of the table next to the box of tissues.

... "time for interrogation??" (at least they've heard that before and sympathized how intimidating the set up was.)

pulse...rising...

I couldn't decide if a joke or question would prolong the inevitable; I tried to do both...and it didn't work.

I did receive a few seconds to compose myself (which wasn't enough but I doubt any amount of time would suffice at that moment.)

I've been desiring this for so long.....something I've fought ruthlessly for but not sure who my opponent ever was.

“You have come so far just to be nominated and for that, congratulations...this is a tremendous honor..” (...oh trust me, I know.) and then the time ran out for breathing...and I don't think I did for the rest of the meeting.

“Go Ahead.....Tell us.”

I dove right in.

........I've been waiting for a moment like this..dreaming of it...

“Because I need this...”

I've never had an honor so evident before...

“only from mom but she has to say that!”    

I meant it....with every fiber that shook.

and questions continued..harder..more personal... ones catching me off guard..ones I knew were coming....others I changed quickly....a timeline of each thing I attempt to avoid talking about and yet is the core of who I am and why.

"This is why I write instead of talking!" (I knew exactly why the tissues were pushed towards me immediately.)

"how can you not be.."

“All I knew was love back then....”

“Will you put that in your book?”

Yes, it was memorable.

“I thought it was a nice edge.”

That's not why it's there...

But this is..and..I needed this..I can't describe this feeling..it brought up so much..but yet..defined my entire existence while also allowing me to finally be granted my calling..(a glimpse at least..but one I immediately became in love with.)

I am at a moment..where recognition is unnecessary.. but the nonexistent hands lifting me up to continue going the rate that I am...is unbelievably meaningful...the strangers that cried and laughed with me today..the unspoken beauty in the 16 eyes that stared as I choked up and spoke from the heart that hardly anyone else even knows about me..is surreal...

“...Because it needs to be heard...”

Those beautiful 16 eyes.

Quarter Life Crisis.

I'm not sure what sparked this volatile scare within me that I'm missing out on life but it is increasingly prevalent and causing severe vexation. Don't get me wrong; I am unquestionably grateful for my robotic abilities to overwork myself and fulfill my overly productive lifestyle. Particularly with only irritability and mood swings being the side affects signaling that I do take too much on. (my friends may differ in that opinion.) However, I am intensely weary and tired of it. I am technically not even due for a quarter life crisis for another year, but feel like I emulate the patient I have who is 65 years older than me. Sadly, even she has more of a social life and balance than I do. My friends are justifiably facetious deeming me the “old lady.” Usually, I agree but I need to stop this rapid psychological growth spurt before my physical body is in irrevocable compliance. I realize the natural process of aging but does it really happen this early? ..No, there has to be a fallacy in that thought process, right? Especially since the person who temporarily traumatized me and caused me to be an irascible person merely morphed into someone else...by my own accord, I'm sure.  Oh, but now he is blissfully out of my life. (Side note:  a lawyer bill is a horrible gift...marrying an emotional vacuum cleaner due to their insecure selfish parasitic nature? Now, THAT is the WORST GIFT EVER!...oooh to be set free.)

Don't worry, this is not another acrimonious entry about that. Back to me being old:

Here are the doleful facts that never fail to terminate my venting session: Finding a Solution for this Lamentable Lifestyle.

1. I have bills, thus, can't cut back on work.
2. I need my degree.. so, can't cut back on school.
3. The thought of slacking and risk losing my pretty 4.0 is a deplorable thought.
4. Fml.

Well, hm... There is nothing to do in order to cut back, alter, or level out my life without negative implications for my future I am so adamant about having as soon as possible. Nothing that I can contrive anyway. The rare time I am allotted to think about anything other than school and work occurs when I am sleeping. I highly encourage (IE: beg.) for ideas and suggestions. I've already taken a huge positive step by deciding never to marry anything that resembles psychotic …. Catty...sorry, but it is an undeniable stress reliever .

I need more ideas since I am technically not as old as my loving friends so often remind me that I am. I no longer want to miss out on the ephemeral joys and mishaps twenty somethings experience. I could do without the latter but even with my gracious leniency; “fun” is a fastidious luxury. I miss spontaneity so much, I crave unscheduled, un-timed moments with friends and family. Lugubriously, as it turns out, planning 30-60 minutes of spontaneous fun a month has adverse affects. I miss mere enjoyment without the guilt of unfinished homework assignments chillen' in my mind. I suppose, maybe, that one suggestion my college made about not taking anymore then 2 classes if a student works full time probably should have been considered.

Anna The Overachiever: 1. Anna the once laid back girl without 3 day planners: 0.

I definitely do not want to be like many people my age living without goals and utterly irresponsible. I just don't want to be in a rocking chair knitting blankets for other people's grandkids because I forgot to have children being so busy with everything going on in my life. I don't want to reflect on my youth and realize I spent it over doing it with frivolous productivity. Maybe prolonging graduating by taking 3 classes instead of 5 would be worth it. If it allows for more memories and laughter? It has to be. 

Degrees and paychecks are valuable, sure. 

Friendships, family and relationships? Nothing will ever measure up to that.

Would a life be more fulfilling if we knew the risks and obstacles before obtaining it?

I suppose this is where existentialism comes into play.

I just wish I had more of a concrete time line to things like memories, pain, happiness, mistakes, and existence. Maybe then I could further analyze the worth of each and properly utilize more efficient time management skills my awesome community college talks about.

Perhaps, it remains a mystery because if we knew the treacherous obstacles ahead of a beautifully gratifying life..we would focus on the harrowing events, forgetting all about the rest. I suppose mystery is what allows us to live in only moderate amounts of fear.

However, It is with great despondency, I have found the personal definition of what it means to feel and be, utterly enervated. To be drained of any and all emotion because to conjure them back up is far too painful. . .not to mention exhausting. This is what bothers me: Had I known the timeline to these sequence of events, I would have done things extraordinarily different. To face the daunting probability of repetition without intentional homicide (don't judge me...I know you've seen the show “Snapped.”) I'm simply too tired to start this whole process all over again. 

Despite the superhuman efforts that were miraculously made by yours truly, I am now forcibly about to witness a vanishing act in the convoluted magic abyss of the law. I believe a “WTF” is applicable here.

I should warn you: This in particular is a slight concoction of a self loathing pity party and a test of my jaded emotional state. However, the “backbone” if you will, is of the same source. The same source that it has always been and never successfully able to destroy. I really am at a loss of words but have that irritating and powerfully overwhelming force within that is screaming at me to say something with all I have at this horrific validity I never wanted to be, but of course, is life. This is my present reality and I have no brilliant nor perplexing idea actuated. I used them all. This is an inscrutable time. I wonder why...I need to know why.

I believe my mom is the one who spoke to me about your first instincts being the most potent. When we second guess that or allot time to pass, it becomes ambiguous. That is when confusion and contempt set up shop. I really wish I listened to my mom.

I miss the days when that's all it took; moms advice, some form of a sugar rush, and stealing my brothers GI Joe's so Barbie could finally leave Ken.

Hey….I never said I was normal.  

...Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to download a magic 8 ball app on my phone and leave life's journey up to fate from now on.

Conjecture. The formation of an opinion without sufficient evidence for proof.

Yesterday, I did something that I never thought in a bazillion lifetimes I would ever consider myself doing, let alone actually doing it. The capabilities of humanity and it's ability to expand is remarkable. Yesterday, I opened my proverbial “eyes” and relinquished my nugatory emotion of acrimony. I have never felt so internally free before now. I believe it is a mixture of doing my personal impossible or just the outcome, or even the mere gesture of “letting go.” Perhaps a little of each element exists in this equation. If you're on pins and needles at the suspense of my topic, I'll relieve your anxiousness (Ok, humor me..) 

I forgave and even philosophically apologized to someone I once deemed suitable to murder (hypothetically...kinda.) I finally took cognizance of the root of why I continued to hold onto such animosity and it was nonsensical at best. I was carrying erroneous malevolence, sheer hatred, all due to the fallacies of a third party. Not only was it worthless and a waste of energy, it was wrong and I was in error.

As a result of this new found clarity, I toyed around with the idea of contact...making “amends” I suppose. Not yet knowing the significance that would transpire, I decided to act upon it anyway. After contemplating the worst case scenario, I came up with a few interesting theories and decided that catty vindication or a repugnant riposte wouldn't be all that bad. I've already stated that I was in error, and the response I received as a result of my atonement proved that entirely. The words written back to me were kind, honest, respectful, even sincere. What does that mean? Translation: Years of incorrigible behavior all in vain due to someone that has less significance on earth than a dung beetle. Wait, isn't there some kind of ancient mythology idolizing beetles? Someone look that up for me so I can edit that innocuous insult...pretty please :)

It's astonishing how blind we, as humans, are capable of being. So often we hold onto what we truly believe is real, regardless of factual evidence, and refuse to be convinced otherwise. We become pertinaciously reluctant of even the possibility of that belief being false. When in all actuality, all we are doing is limiting ourselves, ridding any room for growth and enlightenment. So basically, we're too afraid to let go of a crappy feeling for fear we might become a better person. (Oh, Americans<3)

Evoking conjecture based solely on emotion and inference. Thus, I will not beg you to change your ways because: A) you're only hurting yourself and  B) you appear far too ignorant to listen and try this proven theory of mine out, anyway...uhm. Too harsh? Don't worry, I'm completely throwing myself under the bus, too. So, do whatever you want. That is merely my speculation :-p

Can't Vs. Won't

I despise the word “can't.” Particularly in frivolous context. I fully acknowledge my hypocrisy in stating this opinion, however, it's true. I will pick on myself first in an attempt to soften the harshness of this entry. I “can't” stop smoking. Yes, I hate it, it smells disgusting, tastes gross, it's expensive, I've tried many times before...and a whole slew of other pertinent points that would sound redundant at this time. But what it really boils down to is simple; I won't. It's something I desire but am not willing to put in the effort and work for it right now. It is frustrating at best, especially when I think about people who would kill to have the 6 dollars I spend on cigarettes to eat food or put gas in their car. Nope, not me, I choose to spend it on a toxic chemical that makes me look severely unattractive. It makes me sick when I do the math and calculate annually what I spend (I always stop the calculations at one year because I fear knowing how much, in total, I've wasted my money on might actually get me to quit.)

It is the same as an overweight person desperately voicing their earnest desire to lose weight ….as they shuffle a cupcake in their mouth. That person won't put in the effort to actually lose the weight therefore doesn't want it that bad (That is, unless they have a computerized hand that just so happened to have a glitch at that convenient moment. Those people get a free pass.) Please, know I am in no way speaking about certain weight problems that cannot be controlled. People with thyroid problems or other illness needing to stay on a steroid regime..those people actually can't. The cupcake eating person with the the computer virus in their hand...won't. See? Thats my point: Can't VS. Won't. So... why the hell are we like this?

It is baffling in my own personal installment of this entry because I am incredibly disciplined in several aspects of my life. Just not others. I have quit “habits” or other immensely problematic issues. So, I know I have the ability. In no way do I believe that if I were locked in a room full of water and food, but no cigarettes, that I would instantly keel over and kick the bucket. Thats absolutely absurd. I just don't understand why we are so lackadaisical with the things we voice out the most. Maybe america really is just “full of shit.” Can you even imagine if we all started acting on every productive verbalization?

Okay, I will stop venting before I find myself swaying back and forth in a dimly lit room with “What the world needs now” playing quietly from my record player...

...just think about the committal verbiage you audibly make to yourself and to others.

2010 "recap"

 I'm not quite sure how diligent I will be at this, not to mention how exhilarating this will end up being (Well, too late.) I used to write frequently on anything and everything ink would accept and receive...just random things that barely made sense (a peek inside my mind, I suppose but thats just speculation.) However, I feel compelled to jot down some of the radical and life altering occurrences in 2010; in symbolic poetic eloquence of course. I would hate to be the source of animus behavior; plus, it is far too entertaining to elicit derision solely on your own guilt. To form a complexity with words only you understand because you are the source of the passion behind me typing...to which I will never admit. See? I'm already enjoying myself.

Okay, I'm really not malicious in the least, so lets move on. Last year, for lack of a better term, was absolutely fucking insane. If that offends you, skip over the second sentence and read this one: Last year was absolutely ***** intense. To regret the decision I believe everyone reading this is aware of to what I am referring too....(uhh I'm pretty sure that is a run on sentence but whatever.) Well, it would be a huge waste of time and energy. Even though it would be cohesive, right next to “drained bank account” on the list of “how many things did you get screwed over on?” It's just not worth it. I have never entered into something so sacred and pertinent only to be devitalized in a heartbeat. Maybe two, tops. I pray to God I never will again. In retrospect, I see it now, but isn't that how it always is? Prior to my current state of victoriously earned bliss, I didn't have a clue...or my heart wouldn't allow my mind to accept the reality I always knew...either one. The first one sounds less revulsive, so lets opt for that one. Regardless, I have the knowledge now. I am finally done with this long drawn out process, shell shocked and full of contemplation on what the hell just happened. The “why” is much easier and far more pleasant to grasp as a concept of turning it into good but thats merely because I get to emulate a martyr of sorts. As it was happening, nearly immediately, reality hit and I was hoping I signed that marital document with invisible ink or maybe I could find any shade of grey area and just shrug my shoulders and move forward. I guess you could say that our shades never matched up with civil law (which I have came to find out, isn't a very applicable word for the category.)

I still have so many questions, though, I am no longer dissecting the “what ifs” but merely attempting to analyze if it was just the who or, excuse my blatantly derogatory attack on Americans, is everyone this horrendously desensitized!? I no longer carry the abhorrence I once gripped onto for the “who” but I feel justifiably angry. Albeit, I am tremendously young to have gotten married, not to mention so vastly. Nevertheless, I cannot blame age. The court system did have a pre marriage counseling service to which I was eager to attend and as an incentive they waived the fees for all participants. (Brilliant, America, except that we got it waived regardless because you just had to show gratitude for his service...if only you knew.)

Okay, lets get to the point of why I am deeming my anger justified. The lack of support and counsel is what I am rightfully angry about. Had I not been the oddly efficacious person I am, I would still be stuck in the contract I signed for and be miserable, and many other things I do not wish to spell out. Mystery is best sometimes. But, honestly, if I did not have this super strength or obnoxiously “type-A” personality, I would have quit. Gave in to abuse and stopped fighting. Many times, I wanted to. I sought help, counselors, paralegals, fellow women, even hired a lawyer. I obsessed over this issue until I became so physically drained that sleep was the only option and my body would just shut down. If you have insomnia, I do not recommend this method, just take nyquil.

It is utterly mind boggling how strong of a facade one person is capable of drenching themselves with. Was it the austere meaning of “forever” and “vows” that were too arduous to comprehend? I suppose I am done with my entertainment of making you guess to what I am specifically speaking about. I will be 24 in the summer, oh, actually, my half birthday is coming up next week , feel free to send gifts, but, ya know, no obligation. Tangent, I apologize..

Anyway, It is also frightening to come to know the lack of awareness and support in this particular area that I do now. This is where the no regret thing I spoke of earlier comes into play, I am as many would classify as “middle class” or whatever level of not rich nor poor means. So, the fact that I earnestly sought help yet, still received nothing, baffles me. I am eternally grateful for my annoying and nerdy overbearing personality because that is how I was able to escape the treacherous and horrifically strenuous “mistake” I made. Is it more available to those with wads of cash and daddys credit cards? I'd bed money on it (If I had it, that is.) On the other side of things, poverty stricken women seek shelters and receive state funded aid. So, the one time that the classification of “normal” suits me best, I get shafted? Great.

Yes, I realize America is flawed. I realize there are many other important issues going on in this world and I am not saying I am the most important and it's all about me bla bla bla. However, in this certain obstacle I just overcame, I WAS the victim and I had to go above and beyond what I personally ever thought I was capable of, just to see this through. It ended up costing me my physical health, emotional scars, and my entire savings account. Would I have been so strong if he were not 1300 miles away? What about the daunting reality of physically abusive relationships? How do THOSE victims seek refuge? Just because certain people cannot afford fancy private investigators or top dollar lawyers but CAN afford to pay their utility bills....we get overlooked? I poured every ounce of energy I had into searching the internet, calling the courts, his military base, researching libraries etc...

Surely, I missed something. I hired a lawyer that I feel did nothing. I handed her all the paperwork I spent hours of my own time on, researched and maybe, allegedly, hacked an account or two...eh..lets just say hypothetically instead. All this effort to no avail. He hid behind his government protected soldier status thus closing every loop hole for me to tie him on. This person, and everyone I needed assistance from, sided from the cushy and comfortable law, leaving me frustrated and clueless.

I feel like I should do something. I got past this by the grace of God and support of a couple amazing people I will forever love and appreciate but, the other victims...who do they have? I need to do something.