I've been contemplating this for some time now....recent events have occurred in my life that left that answer obvious..
….black and white facts have become a preference of mine..and when applied to life I embrace it because I know it is a seldom occurrence these days...
So the copious amounts of other events ..the ones that are not so clear and simple. Those.... leave the explanation as more of a mockery riposte; leaving me with a state of momentary calamity that always leaves...yet never fails to return... somehow setting a secret “replay” button not even my freak of nature cleaning sprees uncover.
I'm perplexed because I have yet to find an answer that exhibits any promise of error and the universal quest for answers be put to a vast halt. I would love to diminish the need for this never ending journey; just have yet to find anything that justifies reason to do so. For that reason; I choose to write about the latter and my state of affliction towards it.
The mere word “journey” written in there was actually unintentional at first...even though it is the title of this writing....I suppose.... maybe....that might be part of a conclusion: The journey we go through searching and experiencing things in life; particularly the unpleasant and painful experiences, are the reasons we question why it even had to happen in the first place.
But what if that road led to a much more amiable path in our lives? One we may not have otherwise appreciated? The only request being to wait with patience...for promise of a more pleasant state of living....? (in whatever form it may arrive in..)
Patience is a bitch...I know..but why are we so ignorant to believe we know the exact timeline our lives should follow?
Despite the fact that (hopefully) we learned something through each and every journey and gained a stronger sense of who we are through it...
ooohhh but wait...remember?? it wasn't fun..it sucked..so...therefore …
(I love Americans...) It was wrong...right? The world is perfect, America is amazing..and no-one is ever supposed to go through crappy times. Nope, not us.
..Okay...sorry...I'm a bit cranky....
But I DO feel that too many of us carry that mentality. That “poor me” mentality...which is when we shut ourselves off from seeing the beauty, or more pleasant events to come...even miniscule things we may miss because we are so damn focused on every negative thing that happened. By doing that; we miss the subtle yet awe-inspiring events that occur everyday....So...
Which means the most to you?
I began writing this, to no-ones surprise, more referring to romance and love. Now, however, I have found myself asking this question in so many more areas. For awhile, I tried to portray animosity for love; tried to portray a facade of not caring or believing in it...which isn't true; simply a momentary defense mechanism of sorts that I no longer need. It's clear that was a journey within myself...and I know for a fact I have not yet reached a destination...in the eternal sense but reached the destination of relinquishing the defense mechanism...perhaps because I, unfortunately, see the world for much more of what it is...but partly because the direction my heart was fortunate enough to gravitate towards...I've fallen in love with. . . . .But am I really seeing it end so soon? In my opinion; It barely started...yet, the constant trend this time is that I don't regret it..in fact ….I cherish every single moment of it...
I just don't want it to stop...at all...but is that even in my power to control?
So...I guess...
The opposite end of that spectrum...the before, during, and after phase and experience...the overwhelming memories of beauty and intensity ......I now know unequivocally that I wouldn't trade them for the world. (Destination, maybe?)
I know I am being far too philosophical...but I still am unclear which was more pertinent and vital. I am closer to finding the answer for myself but perplexed at the world...at why so much negativity is held onto....Why so many people are so unhappy...or they try to give the personification of having a void...but why??? When they.....when WE have more than most. Hard times are prominent..but what else do you have? Whats more important to you? Marvel in the beauty? Or harbor on the negativity?
What is it worth to you?
If the answer is harbor onto the bitch driver who cut you off on the highway and ruined your day...I want nothing to do with you..I'm sorry but I have wasted too much of my life letting frivolity get in the way of the blessings I took for granted. No more. It's not worth it.
....Had I not been through what I had..I cannot honestly say that I would have appreciated anything as much as I do now. I can't honestly answer because I just don't know. What I do know...is that it did something weird and permanent to my heart...but not the typical scarring that hurts.....this stings but in a different way...this...I take pride in.
Regardless of what it is or the subjective personal meaning; I'm mainly just searching for anything that solidifies any prominence. Label it what you want. I need substance and I feel it is far too scant and foreign in this world. I found a couple of people I feel share that with me....Maybe less ...and I'm very much okay with that...because I refuse to exhaust myself trying to “encourage” people gripping onto negativity. Let go of it. Or don't. I've found something precious. I fought hard for it... I pray that within this journey I am able to keep it. However, I trust that regardless, I will be okay. My journey is something I treasure; regardless of the outcome...
Even when patience is a bitch....
