Conjecture. The formation of an opinion without sufficient evidence for proof.

Yesterday, I did something that I never thought in a bazillion lifetimes I would ever consider myself doing, let alone actually doing it. The capabilities of humanity and it's ability to expand is remarkable. Yesterday, I opened my proverbial “eyes” and relinquished my nugatory emotion of acrimony. I have never felt so internally free before now. I believe it is a mixture of doing my personal impossible or just the outcome, or even the mere gesture of “letting go.” Perhaps a little of each element exists in this equation. If you're on pins and needles at the suspense of my topic, I'll relieve your anxiousness (Ok, humor me..) 

I forgave and even philosophically apologized to someone I once deemed suitable to murder (hypothetically...kinda.) I finally took cognizance of the root of why I continued to hold onto such animosity and it was nonsensical at best. I was carrying erroneous malevolence, sheer hatred, all due to the fallacies of a third party. Not only was it worthless and a waste of energy, it was wrong and I was in error.

As a result of this new found clarity, I toyed around with the idea of contact...making “amends” I suppose. Not yet knowing the significance that would transpire, I decided to act upon it anyway. After contemplating the worst case scenario, I came up with a few interesting theories and decided that catty vindication or a repugnant riposte wouldn't be all that bad. I've already stated that I was in error, and the response I received as a result of my atonement proved that entirely. The words written back to me were kind, honest, respectful, even sincere. What does that mean? Translation: Years of incorrigible behavior all in vain due to someone that has less significance on earth than a dung beetle. Wait, isn't there some kind of ancient mythology idolizing beetles? Someone look that up for me so I can edit that innocuous insult...pretty please :)

It's astonishing how blind we, as humans, are capable of being. So often we hold onto what we truly believe is real, regardless of factual evidence, and refuse to be convinced otherwise. We become pertinaciously reluctant of even the possibility of that belief being false. When in all actuality, all we are doing is limiting ourselves, ridding any room for growth and enlightenment. So basically, we're too afraid to let go of a crappy feeling for fear we might become a better person. (Oh, Americans<3)

Evoking conjecture based solely on emotion and inference. Thus, I will not beg you to change your ways because: A) you're only hurting yourself and  B) you appear far too ignorant to listen and try this proven theory of mine out, anyway...uhm. Too harsh? Don't worry, I'm completely throwing myself under the bus, too. So, do whatever you want. That is merely my speculation :-p

Can't Vs. Won't

I despise the word “can't.” Particularly in frivolous context. I fully acknowledge my hypocrisy in stating this opinion, however, it's true. I will pick on myself first in an attempt to soften the harshness of this entry. I “can't” stop smoking. Yes, I hate it, it smells disgusting, tastes gross, it's expensive, I've tried many times before...and a whole slew of other pertinent points that would sound redundant at this time. But what it really boils down to is simple; I won't. It's something I desire but am not willing to put in the effort and work for it right now. It is frustrating at best, especially when I think about people who would kill to have the 6 dollars I spend on cigarettes to eat food or put gas in their car. Nope, not me, I choose to spend it on a toxic chemical that makes me look severely unattractive. It makes me sick when I do the math and calculate annually what I spend (I always stop the calculations at one year because I fear knowing how much, in total, I've wasted my money on might actually get me to quit.)

It is the same as an overweight person desperately voicing their earnest desire to lose weight ….as they shuffle a cupcake in their mouth. That person won't put in the effort to actually lose the weight therefore doesn't want it that bad (That is, unless they have a computerized hand that just so happened to have a glitch at that convenient moment. Those people get a free pass.) Please, know I am in no way speaking about certain weight problems that cannot be controlled. People with thyroid problems or other illness needing to stay on a steroid regime..those people actually can't. The cupcake eating person with the the computer virus in their hand...won't. See? Thats my point: Can't VS. Won't. So... why the hell are we like this?

It is baffling in my own personal installment of this entry because I am incredibly disciplined in several aspects of my life. Just not others. I have quit “habits” or other immensely problematic issues. So, I know I have the ability. In no way do I believe that if I were locked in a room full of water and food, but no cigarettes, that I would instantly keel over and kick the bucket. Thats absolutely absurd. I just don't understand why we are so lackadaisical with the things we voice out the most. Maybe america really is just “full of shit.” Can you even imagine if we all started acting on every productive verbalization?

Okay, I will stop venting before I find myself swaying back and forth in a dimly lit room with “What the world needs now” playing quietly from my record player...

...just think about the committal verbiage you audibly make to yourself and to others.

2010 "recap"

 I'm not quite sure how diligent I will be at this, not to mention how exhilarating this will end up being (Well, too late.) I used to write frequently on anything and everything ink would accept and receive...just random things that barely made sense (a peek inside my mind, I suppose but thats just speculation.) However, I feel compelled to jot down some of the radical and life altering occurrences in 2010; in symbolic poetic eloquence of course. I would hate to be the source of animus behavior; plus, it is far too entertaining to elicit derision solely on your own guilt. To form a complexity with words only you understand because you are the source of the passion behind me typing...to which I will never admit. See? I'm already enjoying myself.

Okay, I'm really not malicious in the least, so lets move on. Last year, for lack of a better term, was absolutely fucking insane. If that offends you, skip over the second sentence and read this one: Last year was absolutely ***** intense. To regret the decision I believe everyone reading this is aware of to what I am referring too....(uhh I'm pretty sure that is a run on sentence but whatever.) Well, it would be a huge waste of time and energy. Even though it would be cohesive, right next to “drained bank account” on the list of “how many things did you get screwed over on?” It's just not worth it. I have never entered into something so sacred and pertinent only to be devitalized in a heartbeat. Maybe two, tops. I pray to God I never will again. In retrospect, I see it now, but isn't that how it always is? Prior to my current state of victoriously earned bliss, I didn't have a clue...or my heart wouldn't allow my mind to accept the reality I always knew...either one. The first one sounds less revulsive, so lets opt for that one. Regardless, I have the knowledge now. I am finally done with this long drawn out process, shell shocked and full of contemplation on what the hell just happened. The “why” is much easier and far more pleasant to grasp as a concept of turning it into good but thats merely because I get to emulate a martyr of sorts. As it was happening, nearly immediately, reality hit and I was hoping I signed that marital document with invisible ink or maybe I could find any shade of grey area and just shrug my shoulders and move forward. I guess you could say that our shades never matched up with civil law (which I have came to find out, isn't a very applicable word for the category.)

I still have so many questions, though, I am no longer dissecting the “what ifs” but merely attempting to analyze if it was just the who or, excuse my blatantly derogatory attack on Americans, is everyone this horrendously desensitized!? I no longer carry the abhorrence I once gripped onto for the “who” but I feel justifiably angry. Albeit, I am tremendously young to have gotten married, not to mention so vastly. Nevertheless, I cannot blame age. The court system did have a pre marriage counseling service to which I was eager to attend and as an incentive they waived the fees for all participants. (Brilliant, America, except that we got it waived regardless because you just had to show gratitude for his service...if only you knew.)

Okay, lets get to the point of why I am deeming my anger justified. The lack of support and counsel is what I am rightfully angry about. Had I not been the oddly efficacious person I am, I would still be stuck in the contract I signed for and be miserable, and many other things I do not wish to spell out. Mystery is best sometimes. But, honestly, if I did not have this super strength or obnoxiously “type-A” personality, I would have quit. Gave in to abuse and stopped fighting. Many times, I wanted to. I sought help, counselors, paralegals, fellow women, even hired a lawyer. I obsessed over this issue until I became so physically drained that sleep was the only option and my body would just shut down. If you have insomnia, I do not recommend this method, just take nyquil.

It is utterly mind boggling how strong of a facade one person is capable of drenching themselves with. Was it the austere meaning of “forever” and “vows” that were too arduous to comprehend? I suppose I am done with my entertainment of making you guess to what I am specifically speaking about. I will be 24 in the summer, oh, actually, my half birthday is coming up next week , feel free to send gifts, but, ya know, no obligation. Tangent, I apologize..

Anyway, It is also frightening to come to know the lack of awareness and support in this particular area that I do now. This is where the no regret thing I spoke of earlier comes into play, I am as many would classify as “middle class” or whatever level of not rich nor poor means. So, the fact that I earnestly sought help yet, still received nothing, baffles me. I am eternally grateful for my annoying and nerdy overbearing personality because that is how I was able to escape the treacherous and horrifically strenuous “mistake” I made. Is it more available to those with wads of cash and daddys credit cards? I'd bed money on it (If I had it, that is.) On the other side of things, poverty stricken women seek shelters and receive state funded aid. So, the one time that the classification of “normal” suits me best, I get shafted? Great.

Yes, I realize America is flawed. I realize there are many other important issues going on in this world and I am not saying I am the most important and it's all about me bla bla bla. However, in this certain obstacle I just overcame, I WAS the victim and I had to go above and beyond what I personally ever thought I was capable of, just to see this through. It ended up costing me my physical health, emotional scars, and my entire savings account. Would I have been so strong if he were not 1300 miles away? What about the daunting reality of physically abusive relationships? How do THOSE victims seek refuge? Just because certain people cannot afford fancy private investigators or top dollar lawyers but CAN afford to pay their utility bills....we get overlooked? I poured every ounce of energy I had into searching the internet, calling the courts, his military base, researching libraries etc...

Surely, I missed something. I hired a lawyer that I feel did nothing. I handed her all the paperwork I spent hours of my own time on, researched and maybe, allegedly, hacked an account or two...eh..lets just say hypothetically instead. All this effort to no avail. He hid behind his government protected soldier status thus closing every loop hole for me to tie him on. This person, and everyone I needed assistance from, sided from the cushy and comfortable law, leaving me frustrated and clueless.

I feel like I should do something. I got past this by the grace of God and support of a couple amazing people I will forever love and appreciate but, the other victims...who do they have? I need to do something.