The Prominence of Negativity. To End This Habit.

Wow. I get it now.

[Meaning: I now have answers to a lot of my unspoken questions; even some to the verbal journey of confusion I traveled. I “get” what I will be needing to do to obtain “it”]

I am choosing to withhold the frivolous ( aka “ridiculous”) truth of how long it took me to get to this point. I am utilizing my rights as a citizen in America...or..something. Whatever. I'm not tellin'.

1. THAT is why I felt so defeated?? A. That is why it continued to happen. [even that didn't seem to be a negative sentence...it was just my routine.]
   
   That “vicious cycle” that all should pity and fear to find? Yeah thats pretty much solely self induced. If you allow it, I mean. It is a choice—one each individual is faced with and all behind a different mask of illusion. You take it because YOU decide to. It is no ones faults entirely nor are the derogatory sequence of events life gives at times in a competition of morale. Things happen in life...good...bad..everything in between. However, if it appears that the bad is increasing rapidly, or if it has already became prominant ...You might wanna re-evaluate your lifestyle. If you fail to discover anything...
   
   re-evaluate your attitude.
   
   The two negative mind sets that I imitated and even believed to own at one point will literally drain you; not even leaving exhaustion left over. Trust me, it happens. It's ruthless and in total error. I was the queen of this. Might have even invented it.
   
   If it were to manifest into a physical example: Think Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in Fight Club...without the bad ass movie aspect part. Not pleasant.
   
   Seldom (if ever) have I felt such a clear “light bulb” go off for me. And actually listened. It's fascinating how humans evoke defense mechanisms to cover certain areas of their lives in hopes of being unable to recognize it...only to discover those mechanisms just took us on the longest, most difficult wrong way on the road to our destiny.
   
   I chose not to say our “life” because you can be as negative and repugnantly close minded as you want and still live your life of breathing.
   
   Your destiny is that mysterious and beautifully feasible secret we get glimpses of when we are making the right decisions or being positive and healthy in our mind and in our actions.
   
   It is a never ending process of self discovery and growth but if done driven by destiny.. it's worth it.
   
   Side Note: (Isn't it interesting how a person or persons can repeatedly tell you something...and you “listen” but it doesn't sink in at all; then a stranger or someone you hardly know makes a remark not half as eloquent and loving and---just like that—it completely makes sense and stops you dead in your tracks?)
   
   That is definitely not what happened here with me ..not in a focal sense, anyway.
   I'm too stubborn for that paragraph to hold any truth next to my name..and that truth? I'm sick of.

Allow me to honestly introduce myself:

I am completely dominated by my left brain and lack what others term “common sense” due to my incessant need to thoroughly (“over”) analyze to reach a few conclusions per sub category that is my life; then dissect those, eliminate one (because only 2-3 are allowed to make it to the final round...but everyone knows that.), and THEN I will “go with my gut” instinct. Yup, just a normal laid back, easy going chick' who prefers facts, proof, charts, a statistic here and there....and a rock solid game plan. Or 3. My immense need for security and willingness to compensate for the lack thereof allowed this impenetrable denial inside of me that ANY action I took or thought or whatever...could be wrong. Nope. Not the straight A wordy chick with magenta hair.

How insidious and repulsive.

And now I feel the urgency to stop revealing such cool facts about myself. Lets move on.

Because thats a beautiful thing about life, you get to move on. You get to start over. Learn and change...

“There is literally nothing left for me to do that hasn't been done.”

Except...

this one.

But to let go is so difficult for me to do. Up until now I would have rather gone to the dentist or go head to head with a fire breathing dragon then trust anyone to do something reassured it would happen.

Perhaps getting that painful and expensive (yet amazing and beautiful!) 13” reminder on my rib cage wasn't all in vain.

I need a huge reminder like that. Habits and patterns are hard to break.