2010 "recap"

 I'm not quite sure how diligent I will be at this, not to mention how exhilarating this will end up being (Well, too late.) I used to write frequently on anything and everything ink would accept and receive...just random things that barely made sense (a peek inside my mind, I suppose but thats just speculation.) However, I feel compelled to jot down some of the radical and life altering occurrences in 2010; in symbolic poetic eloquence of course. I would hate to be the source of animus behavior; plus, it is far too entertaining to elicit derision solely on your own guilt. To form a complexity with words only you understand because you are the source of the passion behind me typing...to which I will never admit. See? I'm already enjoying myself.

Okay, I'm really not malicious in the least, so lets move on. Last year, for lack of a better term, was absolutely fucking insane. If that offends you, skip over the second sentence and read this one: Last year was absolutely ***** intense. To regret the decision I believe everyone reading this is aware of to what I am referring too....(uhh I'm pretty sure that is a run on sentence but whatever.) Well, it would be a huge waste of time and energy. Even though it would be cohesive, right next to “drained bank account” on the list of “how many things did you get screwed over on?” It's just not worth it. I have never entered into something so sacred and pertinent only to be devitalized in a heartbeat. Maybe two, tops. I pray to God I never will again. In retrospect, I see it now, but isn't that how it always is? Prior to my current state of victoriously earned bliss, I didn't have a clue...or my heart wouldn't allow my mind to accept the reality I always knew...either one. The first one sounds less revulsive, so lets opt for that one. Regardless, I have the knowledge now. I am finally done with this long drawn out process, shell shocked and full of contemplation on what the hell just happened. The “why” is much easier and far more pleasant to grasp as a concept of turning it into good but thats merely because I get to emulate a martyr of sorts. As it was happening, nearly immediately, reality hit and I was hoping I signed that marital document with invisible ink or maybe I could find any shade of grey area and just shrug my shoulders and move forward. I guess you could say that our shades never matched up with civil law (which I have came to find out, isn't a very applicable word for the category.)

I still have so many questions, though, I am no longer dissecting the “what ifs” but merely attempting to analyze if it was just the who or, excuse my blatantly derogatory attack on Americans, is everyone this horrendously desensitized!? I no longer carry the abhorrence I once gripped onto for the “who” but I feel justifiably angry. Albeit, I am tremendously young to have gotten married, not to mention so vastly. Nevertheless, I cannot blame age. The court system did have a pre marriage counseling service to which I was eager to attend and as an incentive they waived the fees for all participants. (Brilliant, America, except that we got it waived regardless because you just had to show gratitude for his service...if only you knew.)

Okay, lets get to the point of why I am deeming my anger justified. The lack of support and counsel is what I am rightfully angry about. Had I not been the oddly efficacious person I am, I would still be stuck in the contract I signed for and be miserable, and many other things I do not wish to spell out. Mystery is best sometimes. But, honestly, if I did not have this super strength or obnoxiously “type-A” personality, I would have quit. Gave in to abuse and stopped fighting. Many times, I wanted to. I sought help, counselors, paralegals, fellow women, even hired a lawyer. I obsessed over this issue until I became so physically drained that sleep was the only option and my body would just shut down. If you have insomnia, I do not recommend this method, just take nyquil.

It is utterly mind boggling how strong of a facade one person is capable of drenching themselves with. Was it the austere meaning of “forever” and “vows” that were too arduous to comprehend? I suppose I am done with my entertainment of making you guess to what I am specifically speaking about. I will be 24 in the summer, oh, actually, my half birthday is coming up next week , feel free to send gifts, but, ya know, no obligation. Tangent, I apologize..

Anyway, It is also frightening to come to know the lack of awareness and support in this particular area that I do now. This is where the no regret thing I spoke of earlier comes into play, I am as many would classify as “middle class” or whatever level of not rich nor poor means. So, the fact that I earnestly sought help yet, still received nothing, baffles me. I am eternally grateful for my annoying and nerdy overbearing personality because that is how I was able to escape the treacherous and horrifically strenuous “mistake” I made. Is it more available to those with wads of cash and daddys credit cards? I'd bed money on it (If I had it, that is.) On the other side of things, poverty stricken women seek shelters and receive state funded aid. So, the one time that the classification of “normal” suits me best, I get shafted? Great.

Yes, I realize America is flawed. I realize there are many other important issues going on in this world and I am not saying I am the most important and it's all about me bla bla bla. However, in this certain obstacle I just overcame, I WAS the victim and I had to go above and beyond what I personally ever thought I was capable of, just to see this through. It ended up costing me my physical health, emotional scars, and my entire savings account. Would I have been so strong if he were not 1300 miles away? What about the daunting reality of physically abusive relationships? How do THOSE victims seek refuge? Just because certain people cannot afford fancy private investigators or top dollar lawyers but CAN afford to pay their utility bills....we get overlooked? I poured every ounce of energy I had into searching the internet, calling the courts, his military base, researching libraries etc...

Surely, I missed something. I hired a lawyer that I feel did nothing. I handed her all the paperwork I spent hours of my own time on, researched and maybe, allegedly, hacked an account or two...eh..lets just say hypothetically instead. All this effort to no avail. He hid behind his government protected soldier status thus closing every loop hole for me to tie him on. This person, and everyone I needed assistance from, sided from the cushy and comfortable law, leaving me frustrated and clueless.

I feel like I should do something. I got past this by the grace of God and support of a couple amazing people I will forever love and appreciate but, the other victims...who do they have? I need to do something.